Humor

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Spelling Check Her

Spelling Check Her [1] 

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin Knot Sea.
Eye strikes a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye is wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As Soon a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrongs.
Eye has run this poem threw it.
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My Checker tolled me sew.
   – Sauce Unknown

Demotivators

Demotivators

Be Yourself

(Linux humor)

"When in doubt, be yourself. And if that fails, su root." [2]

Best Laugh Ever

Illusions

"Golden Cage" Illusions - Stare at this music video long enough and it will appear to stop playing.

Videos

Inspiring Videos

Cartoons

Monty Python

Monty Python Script 

KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Auuuuuuuugh!

KEEPER:  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:  What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
KEEPER:  What?  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEMIR:  How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:  Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.

Comedians

  • Aaron Wilburn
  • Jeff Dunham - Ventriloquists

Switch to Linux video

Switch to Linux video

Switch to Linux video script:

We were negotiating with the Pentagon. We had a blue screen of death. That was the last straw.

When you're holding the Moon for ransom, you value stability in an application. Linux gives us the power we need to crush those who oppose us.

It's compatible with our orbiting brain lasers.

I've got a Beowulf cluster of atomic supermen.

I have more friends now.

Genetically engineered cyber-goats. Henchmen with bad teeth. Gorgeous fembots with a penchant for evil.

I mean, Linux runs on anything.

I'm all about: Open Source. Just changed my love life.

You've got to config it. And then you have to write some shell scripts. Update your RPMs. You have to partition your drives. And patch your kernel. Compile your binaries. Check your version dependencies. Probably do that once or twice.

It's just so easy. And so simple. I don't know why everyone doesn't run Linux.

Thank God they don't, or then they would all be supervillains, wouldn't they? Heh heh.

I'm Steve, and I'm a supervillain.

The Impossible Quiz

The Impossible Quiz

Answers

The Impossible Quiz 2

Answers

Full Disadulation

Full Disadulation:

Jim: Ooh, what's this?

Dwight: That is a demerit.

Jim: "Jim Halpert -- tardiness." Oh, I love it already.

Dwight: You gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law.

Jim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean?

Dwight: Let's put it this way: you do not want to receive three of those.

Jim: Lay it on me.

Dwight: Three demerits and you will receive a citation.

Jim: Now that sounds serious.

Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt: in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.

Jim: Which would be me.

Dwight: ..... That is correct.

Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation.

Dwight: What's a dis- ... what's that?

Jim: Oh, you don't wanna know.

-- NBC's "The Office," Season 3, Episode 22, "Women's Appreciation"


"in defense of the writers, a disadulation - while not really a word - definitely sounds like it could be, at least from an etymological standpoint. "Adulation" meaning praise, flattery, etc. and "Dis-" being the prefix meaning "the opposite of." Disadulation = the opposite of praise, which roughly = demerit." [4]

Women’s Appreciation

includes script

recap: women's appreciation

Big Mac of the Future

Big Mac of the Future

Big Mac of the Future (jpg)

The Office Ring Tone

The Office Ring Tones

Humor as told by Ron Thomas

Oh What a Goose I Am

"OH-WA" "TA-GU" "SAI-AM"
"OH-WA" "TA-NA" "SAI-AM"

Little Suzy and Little Tommy

Tommy comes out to play with a new foot ball. Suzy asks if she can play with it. Tommy says it is only for boys.

The next morning Suzy comes out and has a brand new foot ball.

Tommy comes out to play with a new bike. Suzy asks if she can play with it. Tommy says it is only for him.

The next morning Suzy comes out and has a brand new bike.

Tommy is getting frustrated that Suzy keeps getting everything he has. The next morning he comes out, pulls his pants down and says, I have one of these and you don't. Suzy goes in crying.

The next morning Suzy comes out, lifts up her dress and says, "My mommy says that because I have one of these, I can have one of those any time I want".

I Spank Myself

"Ice Bank Mice Elf"

Singing in the Rain - Diction/Moses

Diction/Moses (Singing in the Rain) Video Lyrics 

Moses suposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
And Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be

Moses suposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
A Rose is a rose
A Nose is a nose
A Toese is a toese

Hupidubidu! (ehehehehe)

Moses suposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
And Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be

Billy Madison

"What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

In the last part of the academic decathalon

The category was Reflections of Society in Literature. The question was "The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples"

Billy: The Industrial Revolution, to me, is just like a story I know called "The Puppy who has lost his way". The world was changing, and the puppy was getting bigger. So, you see, the puppy was like industry, In that, they were both lost in the woods, and nobody - especially the little boy - society -- knew where to find them. Except for the puppy was a dog, but the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.

Principal: Mr Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy: Ok a simple wrong woulda done just fine...

Self Smarted

Self Smart

This is from a show called Trailer Park Boys from Canada and the characters name is Ricky.

Girl Power

Girl Power

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

Lint Licker

Funny Orbit Gum Commercial:

A woman bursts into an office holding a box. She scowlingly says to her husband: "You son of a biscuit-eating bulldog."
Husband: What the French toast
Wife: Did you think I wouldn't find out about your little doo doo head cootie queen?
Mistress: Who are you calling a cootie queen? You lint-licker!
Wife: Pickle you kumquat!
Husband: You're overreacting.
Wife: No, Bill, overreacting was when I put your convertible into a wood chipper, Stinky McStinkface!
Mistress: You Hoboken.
All three of them start fighting, but because they were all chewing Orbit gum, none used dirty language.
The Orbit spokeswoman is off to the side and says, "Fabulous! New Orbit Raspberry Mint cleans another dirty mouth."

Orbit - Euphemisms commercial (script)

Simon Quinlank

"A flask of weak lemon drink" [5]

Bart in Church (Iron Butterfly- In the Garden of Eden)

Bart in Church (Iron Butterfly- In the Garden of Eden) by Simpsons (audio)

h'orsh'it

From: Merrill Oveson <moveson@gmail.com>
Date: May 25, 2008 8:39 PM
Subject: let's fix the pronoun problem
To: pluglist@plug.org

I like this solution, and since english is open source - why not.

http://www.aese.org/SUM96/GENDER.HTM

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Re: let's fix the pronoun problem
Date: Sun, 25 May 2008 21:49:30 -0600
From: Levi Pearson <levi@cold.org>
To: Provo Linux Users Group Mailing List <plug@plug.org>

Same reason all other such attempts have failed:  It sounds
ridiculous.  Using the third-person pronouns has wide acceptance and a
long history, and will soon be accepted even by stuffy prescriptivist
grammarians.  Here's Cecil Adams' take on it:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_245b.html

Is there a gender-neutral substitute for "his or her"?
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_245b.html

"In 1884 the composer Charles Converse proposed thon, thons, a contraction
of "that one," with the th pronounced as in "they."

"Then you get comedians like the guy in Forbes magazine who blended "he or she, it"
to produce h'orsh'it."

Windows Vista source code exposed

Windows Vista source code exposed

Stock Options vs Bonuses

(10:23:52 AM) John Cazier: here is a perspective on us losing bonuses for stock options:

Stock Options vs Bonuses

"The good news is: instead of bonuses, you're getting stock options. The really good news is: they're recession proof, because they're worthless."

Arrogant Worms - Happy Birthday

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
An other trip around the sun

And the whole gang gathers round
With gifts and laughter to abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplished much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden, bob,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, Stanly, starts with a 'J', and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into
"Dangerous")

You Tube: Arrogant Worms - Happy Birthday

Trunk Monkey

Sure wish I had the Trunk Monkey Theft Retrieval System!  :-)

Trunk Monkey Videos

RickRoll'D

RickRoll'D

--Fortune cookie from UTOSC 2008

My software never has bugs

My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
--Fortune cookie from UTOSC 2008

Murphy’s Laws of Computing

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.


Murphy’s Laws of Computing

  1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it?s probably obsolete.
  3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
  7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
  8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
  9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


Source: Ask The Admin » Blog Archive » Murphy’s Laws of Computing

Directions to Hell

Directions to Hell

"I use that particular TinyURL link to give directions all the time. :) Very handy."

Source: Jordy Blog » Blog Archive » TinyURL.com

Short Films

Cute Videos

If you can understand this

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20416c706861204e6f76656d62657220556e69666f726d204e6f76656d6265722044656c746120456368
6f20526f6d656f205369657272612054616e676f20416c706861204e6f76656d6265722044656c746120
54616e676f20486f74656c20496e646961205369657272612c20436861726c6965204f73636172205061
70612059616e6b656520416c706861204e6f76656d6265722044656c7461205061706120416c70686120
5369657272612054616e676f204563686f2054616e676f204f736361722059616e6b6565204f73636172
20556e69666f726d20526f6d656f205369657272612054616e676f20416c7068612054616e676f20556e
69666f726d20536965727261

Note: remove the newlines

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha November Uniform November Delta Echo Romeo Sierra Tango Alpha November Delta Tango Hotel India Sierra' Charlie Oscar Papa Yankee Alpha November Delta Papa Alpha Sierra Tango Echo Tango Oscar Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Sierra Tango Alpha Tango Uniform Sierra

IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THIS, COPY AND PASTE TO YOUR STATUS

Hex/Ascii Converter

Source: Posted by Aaron Allred on Facebook January 19, 2010.

How was I born

Boy:

Dad, How was I born?

Dad:

"Well , son your mom and I got together at "Yahoo". We set up a date via "E-Mail" and met in a "CyberCafe". Your mom agreed to "Download Data" from my "Pen Drive". So I put it in your mom's USB Port and just when I was about to "Transfer", we realized that none of us had "Installed" an "Antivirus" or "Firewall". It was too late to hit "Cancel". Nine months later a "Pop-Up" appeared saying "You Have Got MALE"
-- Unknown [6]

Old Spice - The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

YouTube - Old Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell Like - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE

FML

FML: Your everyday life stories - http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=1

FML: Your funny intimacy stories - http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy

Ultimate Anti-Bullying PSA

Always a bad idea to push someone around, eventually they are gonna snap - http://www.facebook.com/niccoli/posts/196204103744402

The Ultimate Anti-Bullying PSA: Kid Fights Back With Devastating Body Slam - http://deadspin.com/#!5781702/the-ultimate-anti+bullying-psa-kid-fights-back-with-devastating-body-slam

The Ultimate Anti-Bullying PSA: Kid Fights Back With Devastating Body Slam Casey's had enough. The bigger kid on the right "has been bullied his whole school life," says the video description, "and this is what happens when he snaps!!" Hence the jackknife powerbomb. The Facebook commenters are universally in his corner, as we all should be, but the school didn't see it that way: Casey was the one suspended. Free Casey!

The school's actions against the students and the world's reactions to the video:

Revenge Of The Bullied: Casey Becomes An Icon - http://deadspin.com/#!5782089/revenge-of-the-bullied-casey-becomes-an-icon It's been a day since the Internet was introduced to Casey Heynes, the Australian kid who struck back against a bully. In Internet time, a day's an eternity, so let's bring you up to date.

The story is front page news in Australia, where they won't name the kids (Casey is 16, attacker Ritchard(or Richard) is 12) but do identify the school as Chifley College, in Sydney. They also confirm the fight took place Monday morning.

The news has spread from FOX News to Canada to random Oklahoma affiliates, but we're still woefully short on details since the Heynes family is reluctant to talk.

"There'll be reprisals from other kids in the school and he still has to go to school somewhere," Casey's father said. "He's not a violent kid, it's the first time he's lashed out and I don't want him to be victimised over that.
"He's always been taught never to hit. Apparently other people's parents don't teach their kids that."

Revenge Of The Bullied: Casey Becomes An IconSurprisingly, Ritchard suffered no major injuries. There are conflicting reports on the boys' punishment, though both were suspended and police were called after the school learned about the fight, and we've been informed that Ritchard's suspension is the longer one. So make up your own mind about whether to join one of the many "Free Casey" fanpages that have been popping up (and being taken down, much like all the YouTube videos of the fight).

That hasn't stopped "Casey the Punisher" or "Zangief Kid" from becoming the toast of the Internet. The meme engine has gone into overdrive.

Casey's the reluctant hero, and it's no wonder the world is obsessed. His story strikes a cord with anyone who's even been bullied or just unfairly picked on by life. We received a handful of emails from people who just wanted to share their own stories of being bullied, and fighting back. Here are two: they seemed cathartic. If you'd like to vent your own bullying tales (anonymously), don't hesitate to share with us.

This vid brought back so many memories as chubby kid. I was bullied as a kid to. From grade 4 to 9 everyday I was beat up at least once. I had sticks across my teeth while biking, jumped by 2 or more kids, punched in the face from the side, broom handles to the back of the head, tripped and pushed, ect everyday. In Grade 9 I was walking down the hall when 3 kids pushed my head into the wall and I hit the ground and they started to boot fuck me bad and everyone around was laughing. Someone had a baseball bat and I got ahold of it. I ended up putting 8 people down with 4 broken hands (2 of the kids who started it), 2 elbows, 3 knees (kids who stared it again), a foot and 3 real bad head shots on the people who were laughing. I was in full control when I did it and knew what I was doing. I was suspended for a week after the police dropped all charges (a teacher watched the whole thing and didn't do anything). When I came back everyone hated me even more but were terrified of what I would do. I lived that up all through high school and had to fight like that many more times but the bulling finally stopped when in grade 11 the schools biggest bully decided he wanted to beat the crap out of me in front of everyone. I beat him so bad he was in the hospital for over a month and he never was normal after that. I learned that remorse is for the weak and friends are there to backstab you. I became very closed and got heavy into drugs for a long time. In my 20's I was a big mouth worse than when I was a kid. I gained lots of weight and didn't have many "friends". I ended up doing money collections for a local shark and collected on debts that were classed as "uncollectable" because I could hurt people without blinking an eye. At 29 I found a person I could trust and she helped me understand that I needed to deal with this before I did something stupid. It took a while but I decided to change (in my mid 30's) myself and my attitude (after my first son was born). I never told my wife or family of all the stuff that happened to me or what I did because there was some stuff that should be forgotten.
I look back now and see that everything that happens as a kid made me into a person I now hate but respect. Bullies need to be shown that they have a problem and there are consequences to treating people like crap. I have taught my kids that you never bully anyone or start a fight, you end them and end them fast with as little violence as possible. If it continues, send a distinct message.... Just like Casey did. Make sure that his self esteem is high and that friends are important otherwise he may go the road I did and I can tell you as an adult now I feel sorry for most of the stuff I have done and some of the people I have hurt.
I remember being bullied at school...and being a farm boy...I was ordinary looking , but very strong...throwing bales of hay...really builds you up....Well this kid...always was poking me from behind...and one day going down the hall...he kept pushing me from behind...and remember this was high school and grade nine....well after ten minutes of this...I said to my friend...excuse me a minute....i have to to fix something....I had my arm down by my side...i clenched my fist and without looking...swung my arm around and bang...ride on the side of his head...knocked him out cold...fractured his jaw....as there were lots of kids witnessing this...and the other kids constant bullying and him bullying others...no went to his aid..they just kept walking to class...
He never touched me again...nor spoke to me again...nor did I to him....he was okay...but the side of his head was black and blue....
And there was the time in grade ten the same guy was to be paired up with me in wrestling class...but he always got sick or called in sick...he never wrestled me...
I won the local wrestling champs....and was tops in the rings, and parallel bars...I was a strong quiet and very friendly kid...they either feared me or respected me....
I coached lots of the younger kids as I moved up the grades...the physed teacher always could count on me for that...I never tolerated horsing around...
And by the way it was never meant to hit him...only swing by him...but heck...it made the impact it did...

What Pi Sounds Like

What Pi Sounds Like - CollegeHumor video - http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1948828

The most impressive way to not get laid.

I Have Friends

I Have Friends - "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N__AkJriaN4

Loot the Body

Critical fail - Perception check - Loot the Body - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjlYFWLUDBQ

Lyrics [1] 

[Spoken, DM, unnamed guy, Steve, Tom]
On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and-- that's a One
Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree-- okay, I rolled a One
That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?
Active Perception Check
...That's a Natural 20
Let's fucking go

[Verse 1]
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
These motherfuckers mean to harm us
And they got to go, so come on, get 'em now!
You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my
Tight crew, oh ho
There's no escaping it, I can perceive you
And here's what we're gonna do

[Verse 2 - Tom, Unnamed Guy & Steve]
Me and my boys gonna mess you up
I rolled a One
I rolled a One
Fuck
See pop shows near Oakland
Get tickets as low as $142
You might also like
H.Y.C.Y.BH?
Tom Cardy
Red Flags
Tom Cardy
Business Man
Tom Cardy
My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself, hey

[Spoken, Tom, DM]
I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter--
I cast Vicious Mockery. Nat 20, let's go

[Verse 3]
You're a short motherfucker and
Nobody likes you
SHORT!
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
And when you were born, everybody thought
That you were just a head, but then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny short ass
Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"

[Spoken, DM, Tom]
Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception Check, please
Nat 20, let's go!
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
It's always a kid
Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. Fuck, his body's just lying there, right? Right?
Yes...? Don't--
[Verse 4]
Loot that body (Gotta loot that body now!)
Loot that body! (Gotta loot that motherfucker!)
Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch

Dirty

See Humor/Dirty

S Ar Ca Sm

I Only Use SArCaSm Periodically Sulfur Argon Calcium Samarium: Chemistry Blank Lined Journal Notebook
https://www.amazon.com/SArCaSm-Periodically-Sulfur-Calcium-Samarium/dp/1723941476

the-elements-of-humor-sulfur-argon-calcium-samarium-shirt-768x768.jpg

HK9QlZT.png

keywords

  1. ↑ https://genius.com/Tom-cardy-perception-check-lyrics
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